Soooo, I Got Married
by Dragonwriterofthenight
Summary: The 11th Doctor is married to River Song now! But how the hell does he take her on a date? He must resort to asking the most flirtatious being in the universe: Captain Jack Harkness.


**This idea came on randomly and since I've finished all my stories, I finally have time to write it! This takes place sometime after Jack runs off with the Doctor and before Owen dies.**

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The Torchwood team were laughing and talking to each other as they returned to the pub after taking care of a coupl of weevils. The large, round door rolled back to admit them as lights flashed their arrival.

"Next time," Owen grumbled, "Ianto gets to be the bait." He was sporting a mild cut on his arm while the others snickered at him.

"Next time, don't run off on your own thinking you can take them all on be yourself," Gwen bit back.

Tosh blushed and smiled as she asked, "Do you need help treating your wound?"

Completely oblivious to her flirting, Owen grumbled some more and replied, "No, I'm fine. It's not like I died, like Jack did."

The captain shrugged and said, "You can't mess up this masterpiece!" Then he turned to Ianto and asked, "Could you get the coffee? I think we all need it."

"Right away sir," Ianto replied in his usual stiff manner and walked off.

"Yeah, leave teaboy," Owen grumbled as he made his way to the medical station.

Gwen smiled and rolled her eyes as she walked up to her desk. That's when she noticed the man sitting on the couch, legs crossed and propping up a very large book. Glasses sat on the tip of his nose and a red fez was on his head while his left hand held a mug that smelled of ginger tea.

With reflexes that she was rather proud of, Gwen pulled out her gun and pointed it at the man. "Jack" she called in an urgent voice.

At her troubled voice, the others rushed over and also pulled out their guns as the man slowly closed his book and put down his mug.

"Who are you?" Jack demanded.

"That's my mug!" Owen said angrily.

The man stood up and put his glasses away. He looked to Owen and said, "Sorry. But I was really craving some tea and this mug seemed to be the most fitting. It's blue, you see."

"Who are you?" Jack asked again.

The man turned and fixed his bowtie before responding, "Why, I'm the Doctor! Really awful welcome party, Jack. You'll have to work on it. Since this is all in my honor, as you said, I was expecting banners and statues and bananas everywhere!"

"You're the Doctor?" Jack ashed slowly.

"Yes, now please put the guns down."

"Prove it," Jack challenged.

"Oh, alright. What would you like me to say? I could say, 'Allons-y!' but that's too vague. I could tell you that Rose Tyler is still very happy in her alternate dimension. I could also say, 'Fantastic!' or 'Exterminate!' But I think what will really convince you is two words. Two simple words. And they are: Bad Wolf!" The man claiming to be the Doctor smiled at the end of his little speech and fixed his bowtie again.

Jack smiled and put down his gun. He started laughing as he pulled the Doctor into a hug that was perhaps a bit longer than necessary. The rest of Torchwood slowly put their guns down as Jack pulled away.

"So you're that Doctor person?" Gwen asked.

"That's me! 11th face!" the Doctor replied.

"So you're the one who took Jack for a whole month?" she said slowly as anger built in her voice.

"That wasn't my fault. It was Jack who jumped onto the Tardis just before it took off and refused to let go. In fact, the Tardis was trying to shake him off since he's wrong and doesn't make sense. She went all the way to the edge of the universe to get rid of him."

"Could you repeat that but in English please?" Owen said sarcastically.

The Doctor frowned and put his finger in his mouth. Then he pulled out a thin tub and scanned his finger with the tub, it making a whirring sound as it did. The Doctor pulled the device away and looked at it carefully. Finally, he said, "I am speaking English."

Jack sighed and pushed everyone back. "Get back to work," he said, "I'll just have a chat with the Doctor here and see why he's hear."

"Excellent!" the Doctor said with a smile.

"But first," Jack said in a low voice, "You're telling me what the hell is on your head."

"It's a fez. I wear fezzes now. Fezzes are cool," the Doctor replied seriously. Tosh had to keep herself from laughing.

Jack sighed and said, "No you don't." He grabbed the fez off his head and called, "Ianto! Incinerate this!" He tossed it to Ianto who caught it and made for the vaults.

"Give that back!" the Doctor demanded as he pulled out his odd device again and chased after Ianto.

Gwen gave a yelp if surprise as the Doctor knocked down several of her papers and tripped over he chair. He jumped back up and ran down to the vaults after Ianto. Jack simply watched amused.

"Aren't you going to go get him?" Owen asked.

"Nah," Jack replied.

"There's some really sensitive equipment down there," Owen said urgently but still managed to sound sour.

Jack shrugged. "The Doctor probably knows what everything we have is and also knows how to use it. I wouldn't worry."

"I don't get it," Gwen said as she spun around in her chair, "Who is he? What do you mean he's the Doctor? Doctor Who?"

Jack grinned and replied, "That's the question isn't it."

"Jack," Owen said, agitated.

"Fine. The Doctor is an alien from another planet. He's called a Time Lord and is the last of his kind. He basically just flies around space and time in his spaceship called the Tardis and saves worlds and stuff. I met him during World War ll while I was posing as an American volunteer. I had accidentally released a nanogen that was transforming humans into mindless, gas masked zombies. The Doctor stopped it. He made me a better person. Before, I was a con man trying to get enough money to buy back two years of my memory that had been stolen."

"You were a con man?" Tosh asked nervously.

"Yep. Any other questions?"

"What's his name? His real name?" Gwen asked.

"No idea," Jack replied, "He just goes by the Doctor."

"Why is he here?" Owen asked next, still clearly agitated.

"No idea," Jack said. Just then, a very triumphant looking Doctor entered with a slightly charred fez on his head. Ianto came in after him completely covered in soot and looking absolutely beat.

"He cheated," the teaboy said in a frightening voice before plopping down on the couch and staring vacantly at the floor.

"Doctor, what did you do?" Jack asked with a sigh.

"I simply made good use of all that alien tech you have downstairs! Did you know that you have a black diamond from the Nemean constellation? Those are almost as rare as me! There's only about six in existence! And you also have a robotic arm taken from the factories of the planet Malanim from the Archaic galaxy! And you have-"

"Okay, we get it. Lot's of rare stuff," Jack interrupted, "What did you do to Ianto?"

The Doctor only smiled in a slightly manical way as he took out his little tube device thing and flipped it into the air. "I sonic screwdrivered the place," he said.

"Did you break anything?" Tosh asked worried.

"Only the glow gem from the planet Terral. But I can get another one for you easy. I have a whole room full of them in the Tardis. I sometimes use them as lights. Ooh, what do we have here?" The Doctor rushed at some sort of alien tech, absolute glee on his face.

"Doctor," Jack coughed, "Why are you here exactly?"

The Doctor put down the gizmo that he was about to examine and said, "Right, yes. Why I'm here. Well...you see, I got married-"

"Hold up," Jack said as he raised his hand to stop him, "There are several things wrong with that statement. First: You got married?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes. To Professor River Song," he replied matter-of-factly.

"River Song...isn't she the one who kills you or something?"

"Yes, but no. But yes. She wasn't in control and she doesn't even remember it. Plus, I didn't even die."

"I thought it was a fixed point," Jack questioned.

"Well, it was a fixed point for me to be there at that time and let her shoot me twice: once to kill me and another to end my regeneration. I was there, I showed up and everything. But I managed to cheat on the whole dying part."

"Ok. Now back to the married thing," Jack said, "Why wasn't I at the wedding?"

"Because we got married when the world was about to end because all of time was happening at once and it was a big mess. You probably didn't even remember me during the time that time stopped."

"Ok, I'll let that pass," Jack mused, "But just one more thing. You got married?!" Jack said incredulously once again.

"Yes, I already said that," the Doctor replied confused.

"So what are you here for?" Jack asked wearily.

"Well, my wife is in prison for a murder that she doesn't remember and didn't happen. But I promised to take her our tonight."

"And..?"

"And I don't know what to do! How does this stuff work?" the Doctor asked, looking a bit afraid.

That was just too much. Jack burst out laughing and couldn't stop. He was soon doubled over, clutching his side as he laughed at the craziness of it all.

"Stop it," the Doctor said, "It's not funny."

"Yes it is!" Jack choked, his face red.

"No it's not now stop it!"

Jack did not stop. At least, not for several minutes more. The rest of his team stared at him curiously, not having any clue what was so funny. The Doctor himself didn't even completely know why Jack found this so amusing. The truth was that Jack had met River before (long story). And the thought of her and the Doctor going out on a date was absolutely hilarious. And to top it off, the latter needed advice on how to properly take one on a date! Jack was having touble breathing.

When Jack had finally pulled himself together, he took several deep breaths and straightened himself. "Ok Doctor. You need dating advice? You've come to the right place."

"Next time I'll just ask Martha," the Doctor grumbled, "Or Micky."

"Micky the idiot?" Jack asked.

"He's better than you."

Jack put on a serious face as he said, "Doctor! I'm hurt."

"You should be," he bit back, "Now what do I do?"

"Well," Jack mused, "Normal people would go out for dinner and a movie or something like that. But you're the Doctor. And she's River Song. Dinner just won't do. Hmmm." Jack thought for a moment before he hit inspiration. "Okay, I got it. First, lose the fez. Next, break River out of prison in some dramatic way. I know you don't need to, but River will love it. And third..." Jack walked up to the Doctor and whispered something in his ear. His face went from shocked to disgusted then to a small smile.

"You sir," the Doctor said when Jack pulled away, "Are brilliant! And disgusting!" The Doctor threw off his fez, landing it perfectly on a very ticked off Owen and raced to the door. "Goodbye you stupid apes!" he called, "I have a date with a dalek and the Ood!"

"Don't forget your wife!" Jack called after him.

The Doctor poked his head back in and said, "Yes, right. I'll pick her up on the way. Geronimo!" he yelled as he ran off, glow stick tube thing in hand.

Jack turned away with a grin as he started tapping things out on his vortex manipulater. "Now to make sure their date is even more unforgettable!" he declared.

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**I have no shame. And I'm not implying anything. You can make this out to be whatever you like.**


End file.
